NVC » Nonviolent Communication

About Nonviolent Communication

I am convinced that whenever I act without my motivation coming from my heart,  I spread violence around the world. Often we are aggressive toward ourselves.

Does this mean that if I call my mom out of a sense of duty, tell a bed time story to my daughter when I’m not in the mood to do so, or go to work and smile at my customer whom I actually don′t feel like smiling to that I am spreading violence?

I believe that the answer is "yes." Violence: whenever my motivation is not love or doing something NOT full heartedly

I behave violently towards myself when I act out of duty or obligation.

What can we do then when we feel we "have" to do something? Do we decline to call our parent who is hoping to hear from us, not tell bed time stories to our kids who look forward to their story, not to smile at our customers knowing that our boss will probably call us in for a talk if we don′t?

A suggestion

Stop for a moment and ask yourself, "What would I do if my action was motivated by love?” Then ask, "What would be more productive: (1) to change my attitude toward this situation; (2) to transform the situation; or (3) step out of the situation altogether?" For example: (1) Can I offer more love and care to my partner; (2) Can I perhaps negotiate with him about our relationship; (3) Or shall I step out of the relationship?

For me, the answers to these questions are critical for helping me to choose in which direction I want to move.

• Whenever you have time, I recommend you to write down at least 10 different strategies of possible solutions to any present situation that you find yourself in where you feel you "have" to do something you don′t want to do.  Ask yourself whether you can see any other solutions besides the familiar ones you have been trying for many years that you really don′t like?

• If you have put together all your creativity and collected your 10 different strategies to handle your present problematic situation, I suggest you then look forward to the most convenient moment and negotiate these strategies with the person involved.

• For me, the experience so far has been affirming. I have always found a solution that was satisfying for all parties. All that was required was that at least one party (namely me) believed it was possible to find another solution, and was willing to negotiate.

For me, Nonviolent Communication is not only a communication form, but an approach to life. It is about how to pay equal attention to my own and to the other people′s well-being. Our habitual way of communicating is different. It is either you do it my way (do your homework, prepare the task on time, etc.) or I submit and do it your way just to have peace, out of a false belief that I don′t have any choice. By opening up to alternative solutions and approaches, I see that I have many more choices than I imagined.

For the last 10 years, I have devoted my life to teaching this method because it helped me immensely to solve my own conflicts. How? Simply, in every situation, I express honestly what is going on in me without criticizing the other person. Remaining honest without criticizing requires awareness and makes interactions a bit more complicated but it is always possible if I choose it! If I hear something, even if it is the slightest criticism, I must immediately translate it to the language of the heart; else I am likely to react in the old way and criticize back.  I have to learn to hear only what the other person feels and needs.

We human beings are communicating only two things: “please” and “thank you”. With some practice anyone can learn how to hear the “please” or “thank you” behind any messages.

If you would like to learn more about this, I invite you to join on one of my trainings.
You can read more about this approach in Marshall Rosenberg: Nonviolent Communication (Puddle Dancer Press) or visit www.cnvc.org. 

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