What others say and do may be the trigger of my feelings, but never their cause. The cause is invariably the fulfillment or un-fulfillment of my needs. The more directly I can connect my feelings to my needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately since I am no longer blaming them for my feelings.
When others hear criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack and I don’t have much chance to be heard or to initiate cooperation.
Needs are resources required to sustain and enrich life.
Needs are: taking responsibility for my feelings and connection with life energy.
Characteristics of needs:
- Universal (every one of us on this earth has the same needs).
- There are endless different strategies to meet them.
- Not related to a specific person taking a specific action.
- Needs are never in conflict, strategies might be.
- On the need level we can connect with each other’s heart, and sense the humanness in each other.
- Neutral, neither good, nor bad.
- Never the lack of something but the thing I am looking for. (instead of: my need is to finish the war, I would like peace).
- They are the roots of my feelings.
- There is a need behind each action.
If I don’t value my own needs, others may not either.
If I express needs clearly, I have a better chance of getting them met.
